If Only I Could Love Myself As Much As God Loves Me

If Only I Could Love Myself as Much as God Loves Me


By Malka Ahern

“A rainbow! Hey guys, look, a rainbow!” 

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Just as I was rounding the corner a child called out to his friends from a porch above. If I had left the house a minute earlier or later I would have missed it. Being legally blind, it wasn’t something that I could see.

Running around doing last minute preparations for my flight back home, there was a different feeling in the air. My father wasn’t well and we all knew that he didn’t have much time left. I had purchased a one-way ticket to be with him and help out for the duration. I somehow felt that this was the close of one period of my life and the beginning of another. The rainbow, and how it was announced to me, was a sure confirmation. Not only of the shifts which were occurring, but of how much I was loved and being watched over from above.

But I hadn’t always been able to see the synchronicities in life. The daily miracles which show me how much I am loved and cared for.

Actually when I was younger I was plagued with self-esteem issues and the self-sabotage was formidable. In my early years, my way of dealing with lack of self-esteem was to be among the best in sports and games. If I couldn’t be at the top, I made a wide circle around it and didn’t even try.

In my teens my mother said that almost every part of my body had been x-rayed. Broken, bruised, torn open, crushed and that was what I couldn’t hide. My parents didn’t find out about the rest until many years later. These included a concussion, severely swollen limbs, broken fingers and back pain so excruciating that it had me sitting on a curb with tears rolling, waiting for it to subside.

What we won’t do to gain some self-esteem. What we won’t do to sabotage our efforts when we feel that we aren’t worthy of it.  Of course all of this occurs on a subconscious level.

Having grown up in a nonreligious family and then becoming religious also didn’t do the trick. The saying is “Love your neighbor as yourself”. But what if you don’t love yourself?

The sports of my youth, morphed into becoming a workaholic, who wasn’t able to take and needed to give. And the imposter syndrome had me cowering behind a wall of activity meant to deter everyone from seeing who I truly was.

This could have gone on ad infinitum if not for some seemingly bizarre events. Each job that I was super successful at, let me go. That makes a lot of sense right? But it happened four times! And talk about low self-esteem, at one point I was suicidal.

Becoming suicidal, it turns out, was one of the biggest gifts of my life. It got me to stop, reflect and examine myself and what was happening in my life. Since I wasn’t interested in being put on drugs, a friend introduced me to Neuro Linguistic Programing, (NLP). This started me on the path of recognizing patterns and taking responsibility for who I had become and where I was headed. One of my big turning points was when I realized that I had been sick or injured for six months straight. That was a big wake up call that more was happening then what I realized on a conscious level.

Recognizing our self-worth and self-sabotage issues is a big step. But getting past them and coming to a place of self-love is a whole other journey. So I’m going to condense a process of many years down to a sequence of concepts for you to think about.

Self-love, self-worth, self-esteem, the common element is self. And what is there besides self? There’s the world around us and there’s God.

I had always dismissed the saying that God loves you with a quick, yeah right, how could ‘He’ love someone like me. But if God was active in my life, and did love me, how would I even know?

Being religious I believed in Divine providence. But that a miracle could occur for me? Really?  As Steve Jobs said, “we can only connect the dots looking back.” And that’s what I began to do.

As the dots connected they began to show a very different tale than I had seen before. Getting kicked out of successful jobs, where I was stagnant, having learned and grown all that I could. Seeing how each job had not only brought me new skill sets but new essential life lessons. Realizing how all of this became a contributing factor in the success that I’m actualizing today. 

Divinity was surely playing a role in my life, and a loving one at that, but how much was I really loved? Sometimes it was shown through the synchronicity of the act, and other times the words.

For over a year, it stopped raining whenever I needed to go somewhere. But it took around six months till I realized what was happening.  Two days before a Mastery coaching program was to close registration, a friend called up and said, “I just got an inheritance, can you use anything.”  For a period of time, sums of money would unexpectedly appear, and within a day or two people needing that exact amount of money would also appear

But there were some basics that I still had to get past, like having to give and not being able to receive. Somewhere along the line I had linked receiving with feelings of shame and not being competent to do things on my own. Once I took myself out of the picture, there were a few concepts which helped me with being able to receive.

Life is a constant cycle of giving and receiving. It’s just a matter of if we’re aware of it or not.

If everyone only gives, who will receive?  And the biggest one was, receiving IS giving! We give the biggest gifts through receiving what others need to give. Gifts to the giver of feelings of self-worth, accomplishment and the pure joy of giving, are invaluable.

If you stop to consider…

God doesn’t make junk

There is no one else in all of creation like you

The fact that you’re hear shows that you’re important to your Creator

You have a unique role, something that only you can accomplish, why else would you have been made?

But what about all of the mistakes and messes that we make in this life? We’re perfectly imperfect humans, the way we were created to be.  If we were supposed to be perfect ‘He’ would have made us angels.

Accepting that each person adds unique value to the world and all of creation, leads us to realizing that we’ve been projecting our point of view and once we can allow God to be who ‘He’ is, we can come to know how much YOU are loved.

As we come to recognize the synchronicities which abound in the world around us. The open and clear demonstrations of Love in our lives and ‘His’ love for us, there’s still one more step.  Knowing and feeling how much love there is for you, how much love can you now feel for yourself…for you…the one who is loved so much?

I’m still working on loving myself as much as I’m loved. Allowing the rainbows to become new beginnings in the journey inward to a self-love, which can overflow to others in the way that ‘His’ love is overflowing to us. This is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

Malka Ahern utilizes quantum principles in combination with hypnosis and energy work to assist clients in experiencing their connection with God and God’s love for them. You can sign up for a free consultation via her website, MalkaAhern.com.

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