Following My Heart Straight to BQH , Part One

Published Monday January 7, 2019 by [email protected]

A four-part series by Mary Elizabeth Donald

Following My Heart Straight to BQH

Part One – I Was Creating My Own Hell

I just finished the Beyond Quantum Healing online course, and I loved it! It honestly feels like it just fell out of the sky, perfectly packaged exactly for me, a beautiful gift from above. Suddenly I have this flexible, fulfilling career opening up in front of me…and all I have to do is keep walking forward into it. It’s amazing how everything led me to this.

When I first moved into a backpack and took off for Southeast Asia eight months ago, I had no idea what the future held for me. All I knew was that my heart was telling me to go, to leap into the unknown, and I had to listen to it. I had a modest amount of savings that would see me through a year or two, but definitely not forever. Not very long in the grand scheme of life.

My left-brain, the part of me concerned with money and about becoming broke, cold, and penniless on the street, fretted a bit. (Okay, more than a bit.) It demanded to know how we were going to live, what our plan was?

“Shhh…” my heart would say, over and over, in no uncertain terms. “Everything is going to be fine. Better than fine. Relax. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Just trust. You’ll know what to do when the time is right.”

I’ve always listened to my heart, even though sometimes it’s scary for my ego mind, I really have no choice anymore. This is beyond me. I am caught up in a life-path that I must have carefully planned out long ago, and getting to watch it unfold from the inside has been the most beautiful and breathtaking experience I could ever imagine. Even as I write these words, I have full chills and tears springing to my eyes, because it all feels so deeply right, as if grand universal plans are being carried out.

Let me back up a bit. Up until four years ago, I was living my life in deep unhappiness and pain. Yet I didn’t even know it! I was asleep and unconscious, completely unaware of who I really was. I knew that nothing ever felt very good, and no matter what I did, I could never escape from this horrible feeling that I just wasn’t “good enough”. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself. I was extremely judgmental, I had hot anger simmering inside of me, and I was ready to boil over at the slightest little thing. The very few truly intimate relationships I did have were full of fighting and animosity. I had no purpose or direction, nothing to live for. Even during the relatively good years where I wasn’t in acute misery, I could never escape the ocean of pain inside of me, always there under the surface.

I felt like a fraud, pretending to have a normal life. Pretending to be happy and in control. At night, I would drown myself in my writing and my wine, trying to make some kind of sense as to why I struggled so much when everyone else seemed to do the “life” thing so easily. I would sleep all day and go to work during the evenings; always in a hurry to get off work so I could get back to my wine and my journal. On my days off work, I would start drinking earlier in the day, and I will end up feeling absolutely wretched and exhausted by the time I passed out in the wee hours of the morning.

For years, I just spun my wheels, watching in dismay as my “wasted” youth rolled by. I knew I had great potential, but I couldn’t seem to make anything happen as my life passed in a lazy, heavy, depressed fog of alcohol, weed, and unhappiness. I felt like a loser. I hated myself, and almost everyone else, but I didn’t really know it consciously. Thoughts of suicide floated in and out of my mind over the years, at times approaching so close I was having long, specific daydreams of exactly when and how I would do it.

All this felt so normal to me, and I thought that’s just how my life is. In my mind, I wasn’t a worthy person, so I didn’t have a worthy life. That was just a fact. I didn’t realize I was creating all of that, and I could easily change it! My personal hell was nothing but my own mind.

I couldn’t see how anything was ever going to change. All I saw in front of me was a rapid decline into the emptiness of old age. A total waste of a life. Little did I know that I was heading towards an awakening that would blast me wide open and transform my life forever.

Love,

Mary Elizabeth (And her very, VERY loud heart)

Click Here for Part Two: I Wake Up and Realize I Can Create Heaven

https://www.quantumhealers.com/bqh

Comments are closed here.